What is something you failed at this year, and how did you react to it?

On how failures can be opportunities for growth

Assalam alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu

I hope you're well and in the best state of eeman.

Since a call I had with Yosola about two weeks ago where I confirmed when I would be writing to you, I knew what I wanted to write to you about and I was excited about the moment when I pen it to you! It has been staring, whispering in my subconscious since that night.

I normally would pen this on Friday evening or Saturday morning but unfortunately, mother nature had other plans as I was hooked by cramps and unable to do anything except roll on my bed and whisper to Allah to bring me ease. I wouldn't want anything stopping me from writing to you, and Allah did bring me ease. I write to you this sunny morning while I recline on the bed sipping my hot ginger and honey drink from my Jaleesah mug💙.

During the Jaleesah picnic party "Miel et Lait", we had a vulnerability session where you picked a piece of paper to answer whatever you see in it. You have the option of passing it on if you felt you couldn't handle speaking about it at that moment. As I watched the basket pass, with some people passing on the topics, I secretly prayed for my question not to be what it ended up being. Allah showed that picking and talking about it was the best for me afterall.

My question: What is something you failed at this year and how did you react to it?
Seeing this, I was honestly going to pass it on, pick another topic but on a second thought I realised Allah did want me to go over it in the presence of these amazing ladies and reflect over the situation.

At first when this seeming failure happened, I was in pain, so much pain that I didn't know how to handle. It shook the core of some things I believed in and brought to light that you really have no power over things that happen to you. The fact that it is by Allah's might and mercy we have experiences. Of course, this wasn't what I was thinking about at the time. For me then, it was a series of hows, whys, and blame shifting. Then I withdrew into my shell, went off social media and just wanted to be alone. It felt like nobody else could understand what I was going through, the things in my head, I felt alone.

It was at this point I realized how difficult it can be to rejoice with people on their celebrations: birthdays, milestones, weddings, namings, and so on. I was genuinely happy for people but I couldn't find the strength to translate the happiness into words to be conveyed. It was difficult and it caused a strain to some of my relationships but at that point, I just cared about me.

Something I learnt: Allah wanted me to learn to appreciate people more when they reach out, be kinder to people because to be honest, you never know what the next person is going through. Anybody could have been mad at me for not reaching out, or not seeming to care about a celebration in your life but really, I did care I just didn't have the strength to convey to you that I did.

Another thing that happened was me becoming more self-aware because I spent a lot of time with my head, and in a way more selfish too (maybe this is not so good), but I began to do things because I wanted to do them, focusing on what really matters. Time management, productivity, punctuality were habits I went hard on myself to cultivate. Discipline too, as I became more disciplined and me oriented as I learnt that the only one who truly got you is you. Even if your loved ones want to be there for you, they might not know how, so you owe it to yourself to get you everytime.

Surrounding yourself with the right network of people matters too. At the time, after wallowing for a while, I had to accept that it was my fault and it was up to me to fix it. It helped that my parents didn't think of me as any less their child, and they still strongly believed in me. My mother used to send motivational videos, texts every morning. I wonder where she got the steady supply from but I looked forward to receiving them, it was something I clung to, couple with her morning check-ins to make sure I was still with her, focusing on the next step. It gave me the strength to believe in myself at that critical point.

Even now as my resit exams draw so near, I have been borrowing the belief my friends have in me to believe I will pass it this time because it is still so hard to believe in myself on some days. I am going to ask you to remember me in your Duas as well because nothing can be done without Allah's help, thank you as you do💙.

I got closer to my Lord too, as I realised that without him, I truly can do nothing.

Weird, but that conversation helped me identify the multiple blessings that came with the seeming failure, and in a way, I am grateful for it because I grew, learnt to appreciate the little things more, and Allah did bring me closer to Him.

Apart from the bonding, cutesy moment, delicious food and pastery (thanks to @Sugarandots.ng on IG), the souvenir from Miet et Lait was another thing that got me. First, the lafinda scented candle (@lafindascentedcandles) that smelled like bliss, so soothing. I have looked forward to getting a scented candle for so long that seeing it in that souvenir made my entire week, I couldn’t get over it. Then, the posters from dhikr posters (@dhikrposters on IG) was a gift I needed without realizing I did. I loved it so much I set it permanently on my nightstand to allow me be reminded everytime affirmations of the presence of my Lord.

I will leave you with this verse, so you remember that whatever you're going through at this moment, it is a phase, and with patience, you will look back and pick your lessons from it, know that it was necessary for you to become a better version of yourself. Rooting for you all the way love, you got this💙

لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا

ALLAH DOES NOT BURDEN A SOUL BEYOND THAT IT CAN BEAR (2:286)

Sending you love, hugs, dua and kisses💙

Till we meet again by His grace,

Halyem from Jaleesah.